Sunday, August 30, 2009

Emotions

For most of my life, I've been an emotional person, and I aspired to have a more even temperament since I was 10 years old. This is one of reasons I love living with Ben, because nothing much bothers him. I don't know if it's depression or medication or just the end of a long, long winter, but I haven't been feeling strong feelings for what feels like forever. I never imagined I'd admit to this, but this week I've missed my old, easily-excitable, enthusiastic self.

Medication is supposed to take the edge off, meaning it's supposed to eliminate the extreme highs and lows, and I'm told it requires about a month to start working properly; I'm told "the ability to feel happy" returns after that. If only you knew how foreign that sounds to me.

I've also been troubled by indecision, from when to take a road trip I proposed, to when and where to meet a friend for coffee, to just this morning, what to have for breakfast. Again, I used to be told by parents and nuns I needed to control my impulses and make studied decisions. The pendulum has swung all the way to the other side.

So you don't misunderstand, I'm not feeling particularly sad or depressed, either; just not feeling much, other than powerless, mojo-less, chutzpah-less.

And that's been this Sunday morning.

3 comments:

  1. I've been thinking how I've just been going through the motions in my life, sans emotions, and feeling a bit like a zombie or a robot, perhaps needing a bit of e-motion add-on/enhancements... I'm really going nowhere with this, though...

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  2. That sounds really hard!

    I'm like you - very emotional - and I'm trying to learn to accept and value that. When I don't have strong emotions about something, it just feels weird and wrong to me.

    Not saying you're not on the right path for you....because it seems like you've thought about this a lot!

    Good luck figuring out what works best for you!

    Sue

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  3. Thanks, Sue. It's not as "hard" as it is strange, if you get my drift.

    Yesterday we had a semi-busy day when I caught up with a family I hadn't seen in 14 months and trying out a "new" hardware store that's been there 13 months! I couldn't sleep during the night not because I was replaying the conversations like it usually happens, but because I kept waking up being reminded that I talked to a lot of people I don't normally talk to! So every experience feels diluted. Even the guilt of not being productive, which, when I think about it, is not a bad thing at the moment, I think.

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