Thursday, April 22, 2010

Fat, Bad, and Unfocused

Things have been strange inside the head of this Unravelling Weaver for a while, strange as in unfamiliar, but not necessarily bad.

I've not been able to focus; my mind keeps wandering non-stop, and yet it's not been busy, not filled with the constant chatter. I flutter from one task to another, usually not finishing either. I've two dressed looms, both projects I like, but I can't stick with either long enough to make any progress.

Usually I wake up in the morning thinking of a few things I hope to do that day, and some days I write them down, but not only have I not been able to do any of them, I don't even think about it.

I walk though the day dazed, not confused, but floating. I'm a bit tired, I have had niggling lower back/hip problems, but I had two sessions with Bowen technique Kathleen, and I can't tell if I'm really hurting. Ben and I may be incubating a cold; we have the same symptoms, (mild headache, mild fever, general lethargy) but again, it could be psychosomatic. Or our innate laziness is rejoicing in their synchronicity. I keep forgetting things; I can't remember things.

But the intriguing, for me, is I seem to be operating on this whole new mode of incremental thinking/working. I usually need whole days of nothing on my calendar to focus; only then can I hunker down and work on one thing. I've had lots of nothing days for a few weeks, but I've not worked on anything for any length of time, but have been working incrementally on several things, and this is driving me crazy.

I even detect an element of revolt, though against what I have no idea. I'm not doing any of the things needing my urgent attention, but have been playing with ideas and "unimportant", "non-urgent" projects, consistently, and doggedly. I have been a life-long procrastinator, but this feels slightly different to my regular procrastination.

My brain feels old. If I ask you where the cabbages are, and you tell me where they are, but there are no whole cabbages so if I need a lot, I would have to buy two halves, I can repeat what you said, and can find the cabbages, but that seems to use up all my brain juice and I will have forgotten or not connected with with you told me about my having to buy two halves.

On Wednesday, Kath was telling me about a book she read recently, and she surprised me by pointing out that almost every time I see her, I talk about my weight and how I must exercise and must not each whatever we're having at the time. I never noticed that, but I know this is a defense mechanism of sorts: a) I know must exercise more and get in a better shape for my health, and b) my parents have been on my back about my weight since I was 9, and my Dad is still quite relentless about it, so by my talking about it, I'm acknowledging that I know these things, preventing from others bringing the issue up, and as Kath pointed out, letting me off the hook from the things I think I should be doing. That was an eye opener.

A few years ago, Jay Farnsworth of the Red Gallery told me not to make self-deprecating remarks, of which she said I do very often. At least I was vaguely aware of this, but I thought it was funny, and never imagined it could be a downer for my friends. But low self-esteem is a hard thing to overcome, it's been hard to try to stop making self-deprecating jokes.

With the weight thing, though, it's harder, because I hadn't realized I did it. It was a constant topic in my parents' house, and though I begged my mother to talk about something else, (still do!), I never realized I did it, too.

I haven't been able to concentrate long enough to read a short magazine article, let alone "Women Who Run with Wolves", but this is the strangest of all: I've been making slow but steady progress in "Conceptual Art" by Tony Godfrey, (Phaidon), a book which previously would have collected dust and fluff and bugs at the bottom of the pile under my bed. And I'm really enjoying this book.

Is there a psychologist or a neurologist in the room? Is there a shift coming, or am I descending into somewhere different? I've wondered if I've been going senile for a few years, and even had myself tested a while ago, but aging, changes in my operation mode, and self-esteem seem all connected somewhere, and I don't understand what' going on. Do you? Does anyone know what's going on??

I'm at the tail end of my depression medication; I've often forgotten to take them since the dosage was reduced to 1/4 pill in February, and for now, I'm in denial that I'm going down that way again, but that's also always a possibility. I can't determine if I've managed to pick up coping skills by doing things incrementally, therefore managing depression.

Or, I am now living in another sphere that co-exists with the world I used to live in, but I didn't know I transitioned. Kind of like finding myself on Platform 9 3/4.

Yesterday, I forced myself to sit down to fringe and mend the "other" cherry blanket and a scarf that came off the loom more than a month ago. Or was it more recent? It's been a while since I fringed, and I had forgotten how time consuming it is, but I got them done late last night so I could was them today. This morning, however I was in the shower too long, did a load of laundry, and then cleaned the kitchen with some gusto, and I used up all the hot water, so these will be washed on the weekend.

Last night, on a whim, I prepared this baby T shirt for the dye bath; it will be tucked in the corner when I finally decide what to do with the second dunking of my second shirt.

And remember the sorry saga of not being able to find Claudia's 40th birthday party? Bless her, she is having us over for dinner tonight so we can do over. In fact, we're celebrating her, Ben's and my birthday, all in April, and the only one who has a birthday in November, Tim, is cooking. I did my bit and made a lime/chocolate cake.

7 comments:

  1. Sounds like you're in a reasonably good place with the apparent reordering/restructuring taking place inside you. Just go with it, that's about all you can do. I know the feeling, happens to me sometimes as well, and I think it IS about things shuffling inside -- the way we look at things, the way we process things, the way we are with ourselves.
    That cake looks divine -- save me a piece, and the hell with diets!

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  2. Going with it is about all I can do at this point, but I'm glad you endorse it, Connie. I mean, what else can I do? I certainly don't have the energy to fight it!

    The cake was great. And today, it's harder, because of the amount of choc I put in! But yummy, still.

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  3. I wish you well. Sounds a bit like me. Sometimes that niggling pain-that-you-don't-necessarily-feel-as-pain is the culprit. I've had times when my back and neck improved, and the brain stuff just evaporated and I was back on track. Pain--or unconsciously blocking it, in order to function--can be really distracting.

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  4. I'm not sure if I really have a pain, though, or is that really bad, Trapunto? And if I do, I don't think it's a seriously bad one. Oh, now I'm really confused.

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  5. Sorry if I confused you! Does it help that I'm rather confused too? No expert (yikes, who would want to be an expert in pain), but the way I see it is, pain is perception on the one hand, and on the other it is the body's alarm system to tell you something is wrong. I don't figure I'm missing much by missing the pure perception of pain (though it does come out other ways, like the brain stuff), but I do think I'm missing something when the early warning alarm system isn't functioning quite right. Even little pains can have a lot to say that will be helpful in the long run, if I listen. Like, if I had been listening better, I would have heard "no more yoga for now, and don't let the chiropractor adjust your SI joint directly" sooner. Or when it said, "GET A NEW PILLOW" I'd have jumped to it!

    Well, that was a blather. I hope you don't mind. I'll just cap it by saying, I feel for you, and don't worry too much about the possibly-invisible pain, just do what seems kind to your body. The Bowen technique sounds like a really good direction.

    I have had gentle therapeutic massages, and they are informative, in terms of clearing away pain-perception blocks. That's one of the ways I figured out how much blocking I do, in fact. I always hurt ten times more after a massage than I did before!

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  6. Listening to the body - that's something I've been trying to do for the last few years. When I started to go the gym in Jan 2006, my arm hurt, and my natural instinct was to work it harder, and I had tendinitis that lasted me around 6 months.

    Listening to the head, that's really difficult, because I have so many different opinions inside my head and a lifetime of being trained to work harder is, well, hard to beat. But I think I might be getting better, in as much as I haven't got the physical stamina to do everything the hardworking voice tells me to.

    Currently my hip seems to be telling me two things - I should have gone to a different physiotherapist after my fall in 2006, and that I should spend far less time sitting down and more moving around, because it's worst on the office chair.

    I'm fine rushing around doing housework of most kinds, or walking around town. And i think I've decided that's one direction I will be able to find inspiration and other work-related goodies.

    And I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

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  7. And by the way, pain, perception, and the not-exactly-occasional hypochondriac in the mix. I think that's been my life for most of April.

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