I wrote to Dot this morning I sense a shift in my attitude/mindset towards life/making and I’m trying to observe/reflect/put it into words. It’s just a faint scent of a precursor to something which may be nothing. Or a big shift. In short I'm focusing on good things rather than the bad.
As regards Dad, and Mom, there is so much to regret and I still replay specific scenes when I could have "done better" but either I force myself switch to recalling good memories with Dad, or rehearse how I would behave under similar circumstances in the future with Mom. I find these rehearsals helpful, sometimes. And I'm ignoring all instances when Mom told me I'm "wrong" to feel this way or that. In other words, I'm trying to go with what I think/feel is good/true.
In drawing, I didn't mind so much there were so few familiar faces, (I didn't know anyone in Japan in any of my classes, right?) nor that my drawing may have been different from others or not strictly adhering to Ronettte's instructions; it's not that I didn't mind, I didn't worry.
I don't know if I'm lapsing, or focusing. I know I'm coming around to practicing what I repeatedly said to Mom, that we haven't got forever so let's stop wasting time on things we can't help or enjoy, and concentrate on what works or what we love. It's been a pleasant surprise to find I finally bought into what I preach, because I preach a lot of good things. LOL. Anyway, in short, I've not been spending time lamenting bad technique/backtracking which is my norm, but protectively/optimistically concentrating on what comes naturally/easily to me. And I find I'm back to that pompous and yet earnest idea of the inevitable cloth. Or something like it.
Am I taking the easiest way out; I know I haven't got but patience to focus so much on things I don't enjoy particularly now, so bad or good it's probably unproductive to dwell on it. I also know I've denied my instincts and went not with my first choices for nearly a decade while learning the "correct" way to design, to the point I don't have instant/instinctive first choices lately.
The good thing is, I feel lighter having shed whatever I have shed. As if I've regained movement on my limbs. So typical I can go on and on about what's wrong about this, but only a couple of sentences on what's right. LOL.
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I'm feeling tired after the doctor's appointment and a good deal of work on Thursday; first time back in Ronette's drawing where there were only two from the old days, (two others were away for the week,) and running errands and staying in town until 8.30 waiting for Ben to finish work Friday; and a 3/4 day Diabetes workshop on my own Saturday, (Ben went in March.) So I'm taking it easy today, perhaps cooking, perhaps weaving, perhaps reading. Telly, DVDs.
I'm still enjoying reading van Gogh biographies and looking up artworks, artists and places mentioned; I feel tempted to spend some time writing fiction or practice drawing or even painting, but have resisted so far because I just want to weave, (you know the feeling;) I've been cooking from time to time, but not gardening; luckily, by Friday afternoon, even though I still had symptoms I knew my hay fever has started to clear. Yay!
While working on Thursday I had a very good cry about Dad, 6.5 hours to be exact, all saved up since the evening before I left Nelson in May. And throughout I just kept weaving and working, and remembered as many funny things as sad, because there were tons of funny things in his/our lives. That was a good cleansing process. And my face didn't puff up as much as I expected.
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