Sunday, August 21, 2016

Note to Self: Variety of Depression

The gray singles warp is finally off the loom; top three are going to have an old-fashioned feel but soft because of the Possum/Merino/Silk wefts. The undyed merino/mohair warp, for Baby Blankets #5 and #6, have been wound but I haven't been able to make two interesting drafts with family resemblance yet distinct, on the same threading. Soon. These are going to be extra slow to weave not only because of the width, (same as the gray,) but also the 28/2 wefts, nearly half the size of what I wanted.
I started a whim-y needlepoint project with three blues, the palest having a hint of yellow, plus ecru. If I were making a warp, I might have mixed yellows, a pale orange, grays, or even a lavender, or all these, to make it more 'interesting" but this thing is just for me and I wanted as close to monochromatic as poss. The problem is, I started from the top, then decided to fold it in half and make a small bag, and I wanted a lot of dark blue at the bottom. I should have made the two blues under the white thicker, so there's been some reediting/removing, standing back, staring and pacing. That's the unrushed luxury of not-planned projects.

* * * * *

This last m-t-m depression was indeed mild but in a strange turn getting back to normal was harder. Maybe I wasn't as desperate enough; I was unsure for the last while whether I was still sick or lazy. Once out of the tunnel, though, life looks so clear and there is that grip on my own life I hadn't felt for months.

Last Sunday Ben helped me in the garden for a couple of hours, which got me back on track; though I'm way behind schedule, (when am I ever not?) and though hay fever started at 9.50 this morning, let's say the place is looking tidier today than it did a week ago and more plants got out of pots and into the ground.

For my own record, here's how this last version was different from all previous:

* Usually I have such hard time falling and staying asleep, but this time this was not a problem. Overall I got plenty of uninterrupted sleep at night, but often I could not stay awake during the day and had long naps as well.

* My appetite was as erratic as any other time. Some days I only had one meal, or just fruits, but I still gained weight, and haven't lost it.

* Indecision was just as bad as in the past, but I didn't worry about postponing as I knew it was a matter of time before I could make decisions.

* I never did the South Pacific Greeting this time, raising both eyebrows simultaneously and opening my eyes; usually this is the tell-tale sign to myself. I was no more bothered by bright lights than usual, but loud voices/noises were still painful.

* I've picked up many ways to distract myself since 2003, they delayed my picking up the latest episode, but I'd like to think it's also how I kept it mild.

* Because it happened at the same time as my hip problems, (it started with a cold/hips/m-t-m!!) I build in a simple exercise routine into my day. Though it wasn't followed every day, getting to move was not a problem, (unusual,) but after I finished, some days I stayed motionless in one posture for long periods, (normal when depressed, impossible when not.) Since I've gotten better, I often forget about exercises and get on with "the day".

* I could do two or three things most days, rather an none or one; most days I cleaned the kitchen/cooked dinner, read and wove. Laundry has never been a problem, nor ironing in recent years; the house at time got messy but on better days I managed tidying/vacuuming. So no new corner niche stacked with things "I'll take care of when I can think better."

* On days I couldn't weave, I could think of future projects and make plans. This surprised me. I would have loved to have made warps as I find this most invigorating, but since there are so many made already, I made only three.

* I could read. Not in depth, but I could concentrate long enough to read a few articles or long books in short spurts. And I comprehended/retained as much information as I normally do. (Which isn't much but I'd need some kind of a brain transplant to solve that one.)

* Because I've made my life so much smaller to concentrate on weaving, I didn't have to cancel/avoid to many people/social gatherings. For me, this is a good thing, trust me. Although there are a few people I should get in touch with pronto. I'm learning more about introverts, and a few years ago I would never have considered myself one, but I have some insight into where my anxieties come from.

* Long periods of (mild) anxiety can lead to depression. It was especially true in '03, '09 and this year; I don't known how to avoid them, as they are usually extrinsic, (this year, so many changes in the neighborhood since Nov/Dec, and serial breaking down of things in our house, and Ben's continued dental issues,) but there must be a fancy-named therapy that could help. (A few years ago when I did an online NZ self-help thing, the one JK fronts, I was recommended to look into something besides CBT but I can't remember what it was. Must ring them again.)

* * * * *

So here we are. My life is back to being quite cushy; the most dire problem this Sunday is appears to be no TV coverage of Brazil v Germany, (only the goal kicks, blah,) and the marathon, the one thing I look forward to four years. I hope your life is as lighthearted.

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