My Dad

Dr K Mitsuhashi, PhD Chemistry; September 28-1928 - May 5, 2013

Not sure about the details as Sis and Bro didn't make it in time, Mom may have, but she's now resting.

He got to see my sister's boys on his second last day;boys who have grown so busy

Dad rarely got to see them in recent years. These two, especially the oldest, changed Dad's life. 

On Dad's last day, Mom clipped his fingernails, shaved him, and asked if he wanted a barber's visit,

but he was asleep before he answered.

* * * * *

This photo was taken on my last day at home in March. He's watching the high school baseball games while marking the newspaper TV column looking for samurai dramas and docos I might like,
for him to record and send to me, instead of talking or just watching the games with me.
Typical.
But then neither of us would have known what to say if we had to talk.

Towels Debrief

I wasn't just sitting by the phone all this time; I also sat on the loom bench, and the towel warp is done. I'm not too impressed with the quality of the pieces, though while weaving, things went swimmingly. Some thoughts:

1) I enjoyed weaving white. It may even have been the first time I wove true white. The hills and valleys of threads appearing on the loom was wonderful to watch; on dark rainy days it really lit up the whole room. Even if I may not want to produce a whole lot of white things, they can be used for dye/shibori projects, and weaving with whites made the prospective ideas come to life. (This is a color photo!)

But my fav is gray on white. This is l~o~v~e~l-y. Sorry for the bad weather, this, too, is a color photo.

Same wee piece, but with a little too much nonexistent hue.The weft is a soft, medium gray, so the truth is somewhere in between.

2) I like using towels I make, and may go on to weave bigger ones. The dust from cotton and cottolin is a bother, but I can plan these projects for times of the year when my nose won't be as bothered.

3) Drafts. I enjoyed trying out a small variety of similar drafts in different colors, which was part of what I wanted to do with these experiments. Normally, especially with cotton scarves, I prefer drafts in which patterns/shapes/colors bleed/blend into other areas; ones where shapes are not on a grid, e.g:

But where I used more saturated wefts, and eventually in any combination, I liked simple grid drafts, too, like these:

The next on the loom looked absolutely hideous but I went ahead to see what happens, and I'm glad I did because it was surprising in that it'd suit pieces where I want more distinct, clear designs, in large pieces. I was hoping to try this in 2/20 cotton at 42EPI, and when I get home I still will.

So, once again, hooray to sampling.

Lastly I wove four identical samples for Mom and her students to show varieties in 4-end twills, based on this draft:

A Week is a Long Time

In politics and family crisis. I need to record this because if I don't, I wont' believe it later.

Ben thinks I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and I may be, but not because I'm upset about Dad, but because my best intentions and associated plans have been changing daily and that upsets me.

Earlier in the week of April 22, Dad was going to be sent to another hospital. Later in the week the heart doc said Dad's too weak to move to the other hospital so they were going to keep him in the heart hospital for a while, do as much rehab as possible, (which was a smidgen more than none,) then send him home so he can recoup and then go to the other hospital. 

Or he might be going to the other hospital directly. 

On that Thursday, after ascertaining Mom was not going to put Dad in a care facility temporarily but bring him home for a while, I started packing with late May/early June departure in mind.

On Friday, I asked my travel agent to book me a flight the week after Ben's week off, told Sister and Brother the May dates I'm likely to return, but I didn't tell Mom when we spoke.

On Saturday I started doing things on my lists. I spoke to Mom but just noted her plans and schedule, and didn't tell her. The other hospital may have been completely off the cards.

Last Sunday, I asked what Mom thought of my coming home in late May. The answer, in my words, was there is so many new factors in caring for a bed-ridden person in a five-level house with new/strange assistants as well as the old, she needed to sit down and plan and be the manager, not Helper No 1, and to do this she'd like a bit of peace, not my sister and me bombarding her with well-intended but constant noise.

Usually when I'm home I try to take over the housework, telling her it's a temporary reprieve and she should do whatever she likes. I noticed this upset her balance in life in Feb/Mar compared to previous visits, so I was going to butt out and be one of the helpers from next time, but I decided to give her more space.

On Monday I updated the travel agent, asking him to not book anything but be prepared for an urgent request. I also unpacked, but kept the suitcase in my stash room.

On Tuesday, after talking to Mom, possibly after the other hospital was back on the cards, I still thought late May/early June would be right, and started looking forward to Ben's week off and started to work/live as normally as possible.

On Wednesday, after Skyping with Mom, possibly after the other hospital was off the cards again, I thought sometime in June would do, and I started planning my next work project.

On Thursday, I started to think that the trip could possibly wait until late Aug/early Sept, giving me time to tidy the garden as a therapy; I started planning things to do with Ben during his week off (among others, the new Star Treck movie,) and even contacted Pat about having lunch next week.

On Friday, after Skyping with an irate Mom, who was told "the other hospital" was on the cards again, and her declaring Dad is coming home and giving the docs, nurses, and the public help organizations specific requests to that end, I revised my plan to June 4 departure, June 3 being a holiday here. But Ben and I made plans for his week off, including cheese-making, gardening and tidying the house a bit and throwing things away big time. I even made a gantt chart.

On Saturday, my sister's family and Mom went to see Dad and shortly after Sis asked to Skype ASAP and told me later in May may be too late. And nothing in our almost-20-years in New Zealand had been urgent on my family's side, so I rang my travel agent at home. 

Long story short, I'm leaving early next week but not tomorrow; our problem is always the domestic leg, and I think Tim's doing something special but I won't know until Monday morning so I can leave on Tuesday rather than Wednesday. I'm packed, and I've also packed Ben's case in case he needs to follow me soon.

As regards Dad, it's still the sieve/multiple organ failure situation, with the addition of a possible pneumonia. His main, heart, dog is an indecisive man, according to Mom. But to me it feels as though his body is finally catching up with him; he's been so angry about his failing health and a lot more disheartened by his condition that his condition warranted. That's why the docs and nurses encouraged him to do stuff, and as recently as Friday, according to the heart doc, his heart/lungs were not threatening his life. But Mom and Sis have noticed an even more drastic decline in his mood, and you know I wouldn't be surprised if the body just decided to go along.

Of course nobody wants him to die, but if he does, nobody in the family will be as devastated as you might expect because the mental/emotional place he's been for the last six months was really very bad and if he's freed from it, well, we can't complain.

Well, maybe Mom.

51/53-5/22-4

I was in Japan for 51 days. I'll have been in Nelson between 53 and 55 days, depending on which day Tim the Super Travel Agent gets me on the plane. It all means I have between 22 and 24 days before I leave to do whatever needs doing. Taking the time to figure out these numbers relaxes me. I'm a bit of a nerd like that.

I'll need a cell phone during my next trip. Usually I borrow. Mom's, and usually when I was out Mom was home. Failing that, one of us would ring home from pay phone and Dad would convey messages. This next trip there is a good chance we'll be out at the same time, in different places, and I don't think Dad will be up to the task. I could borrow Dad's, but that and the Blue Ray remote are his last toys, and I don't have a heart to take that away from him. Yet. For people who don't live in Japan, it's tricky buying or renting a phone, (Ben tried it during his family's emergencies,) and my phone can't text in Japanese and roaming is expensive. My sister says she will rent one for me if need be. I'm still glad they brought back pay phones after the Big Earthquake; they were virtually extinct.

Some time ago I suggested Ben take a week off once the dust settles on Phase I of Crazy Busy-ness, before Phase II starts. So he took the third week of May off. Which wasn't a problem until yesterday when I decided I need to go now, so I asked him if he could change it to the previous week so I can leave earlier. Apparently he can't, because his Candy Car needs to get the semi-annual Warrant of Fitness on the Tuesday, requiring him to spend most of the day in town, so he'd rather work. And if I wanted to leave on his week off, he didn't mind. W. T. F.

Once, during one of his family's emergencies, from memory, one of the cars' WOF expired, but he said we're fine as long as we drive it only take it to a WOF appointment at a later date. Which apparently doesn't apply when it's my turn to have to go? And I asked him to take the week off because, among other things, I wanted to do stuff with him.

W. T. F!!!

Ben doesn't do anything to spite anyone, and he holds no malice towards anyone, (even some folks I think he should,) and he always says only what he means so I never have to guess. But, but, but.  WTF. Right?  Doesn't he get that every time I talk to Mom or Sister I want to leave now, but I also want to hang out with him because we've done so little of that since... around October 2011??  

Anyhoo, I'll be right. There are, really, some things I want to get done around the house that was postponed this summer. The question is, which job should I tackle? Weed? Plant the stuff on pots I was going to put in the ground this winter? Or should I weave, because there are two commissions from Japan that can be done on the same warp? Decisions, decisions.

Postcard to Mom this week: by changing the direction in the treadling pattern, you can make X's or diamonds!

It's our 23rd anniversary tomorrow; my sister's 18th on Monday. I'm thinking a lot about family, naturally, but about... changing of the guard, as it were. We are the "main" generation that make things happen, and our presence is required. 

On the Menu

Ben had been saying I may not want to wait until the northern Fall/Winter to go back to Japan, and I had thought as much, but on the other hand Mom and I expected Dad would be... ummm... OK until the winter, ergo my original plans to go back in Oct/Nov time.

Now that I'm pretty much set on going sometime in May/June, I feel more light-hearted as the decision has been made and all I need to do is to take action. I'm making lists of things I must do before I go and I'd like to do if poss. I do hate leaving Ben once again, probably for longer than seven weeks this time. I feel surprisingly deeply disappointed I won't be able to garden this winter as I had BIG plans to clean up and beautify. I feel more relaxed about work as I've contacted everybody I need to and, well, to be frank folks are used to my being utterly, dismayingly late.

I'm a little flustered as I postponed a lot of things that needs doing around the house last summer, and I'm not sure if all are on my lists, and that's one the more bothersome chores but I would like to get them out of the way. I would like to clean the garden at least a little before I go, perhaps plan lettuces and leaves for Ben. And I think I will do my tax returns for 2012/13; this is not due until Jan/Feb 2014 for me, but just for peace of mind, because that's a big piece as far as pieces go.

Even if I end up not going home, all these things need doing anyway, so I'm not wasting my time.

OK, off the computer now. I was sick for two days last week so the house needs cleaning, kitchen needs serious cleaning, clean laundry needs putting away, etc, etc, etc. and the towels await me.

* * * * *

Yesterday while drafting Japanese blog posts trying to summarize discussions I had with Mom on moving on to eight-shafts, I realized I never differentiated network(ed ??) drafts and advancing twill. I'm aware I don't pay attention to terminology and definitions, but still this was shocking. This is why I don't teach, and hate it when Mom pops questions in front of her students, because I know what I'm doing, but I don't know what others do/think/say, let alone the "proper" anything. Yikes. 

EDIT: Whichever "home" I'll be, regardless of whether I can make something or not, the small piece exhibition is going ahead as long as there are more than three of you/us making something. The wonders of the Internet, yes? 

Missing Dad

A little over four weeks ago, in the Thursday evening before I left home, I was angry/disappointed/sad/miserable about my inability to connect with Dad. Some days earlier, he had told Mom and me how frustrated and lonely he felt because he could not communicate with his family. And I felt terrible, because I could/would not try harder to do a good job in my last days there, so much so that I even contemplated waking him up. Around 1AM, all three of us happened to have to go to the loo at the same time, and I was open to us having a cuppa, but the oldies went straight back to bed.

To Dad, "communicating" always meant he spoke and we listened respectfully and obeyed unquestioningly. I used to get in serious trouble because I didn't look at him respectfully enough, or because he sensed I was "putting on" an expression, i.e. mocking him. Serious. But there was never communication in the sense of heart-to-heart talks between Dad and, to my knowledge, any of us kids, at least not since we've become adults, not the way Mom and I opine, hash things out, dis/agree and can even agree to disagree.

We don't do "I love you" in Japanese; in fact, there is no straight translation of that verb that can be used in conversations between parent and child, sweethearts, friends, or people and things. The closest I can think of as expressed in my family is to thank them so I told my parents about all the things I appreciated in specific, minute details. They'd long forgotten a lot of what I had to say and we spent many an enjoyable hours. We also talked about the time three of us were in the US, funny things that happened to our family or people we know or funny things folks said, and of my parents' extensive travels. I asked a lot about Dad's childhood and youth, even though I knew all the stories by heart. And we sang songs out loud together. But that wasn't what Dad wanted; he yearned to be respected and obeyed.

Mom, being his wife and an adult from the start, sees Dad eye to eye. Nowadays different doctors tell him to do this and not do that. We, in turn, try to get him to obey the doctors and maintain a more or less civil life. So he feels he's at the bottom of the heap. Increasing number of household or mundane decisions are made without him being consulted or us reporting to him, not that there was any mildly serious Decisions that required making while I was home, but he is suspicious and paranoid. Mom understands he feels there is no place left for Dad, somewhere he can be the Big Boss and give out orders. But she refuses to be his slave and perhaps this is how she maintains the sanest relationship with him. We kids feel exhausted from having Dad telling us what's what all our lives, and react in different ways, from being polite without necessarily meaning it, avoiding one-to-one contact with him, to telling him what's really what right back at him. I'm probably most terrified of him, and yet I seem to feel most indebted to him. Such horrible children we are.

For a couple of days after I came home, I could not stop bawling my eyes out regretting what a closed, small-minded person I had become, and I blamed Dad, all that Dad preached or what I believe he taught me, Mom and Dad, psychotherapy, and even the therapeutic effects of blogging. But the fact is, I could/would not change my ways to appease him as I can't like and call spade a spade, and I'm still afraid of Dad finding me out if I feign interest/respect. Or him not being in the mood to "communicate" as approaching him when he is not in the mood is yet another Big No No. Still, I have only myself to blame.Who happens to be the only person I can change.

For a while I've also started to feel slightly unsure of who I am because I was a 54-year-old only-child for over seven weeks, I knew about weaving but wasn't able to work, and I only spoke to Ben on Skype for a short time at nights, and we don't have meaningful talks on Skype. I knew I was all of these people at once, but I felt as if I was not committed to being any of these enough. That's why I wanted to land back on earth and on the loom bench. Pronto.

Life in Nelson is back to normal: I weave, cook some, read some, the house is messy, the garden is way overgrown, but Ben and I laugh a lot together. And I continue to plan short- and long-term ways to bring some kind of an order into our life.

Things back home are not great: Dad has been in a hospital for two weeks and may have to move to another, possibly soon. Mom and Sister update me on which body part is misbehaving on a particular day/week, but we see Dad's body more like a sieve, and when one doctor patches up one part, another part starts to leak with gusto. Dad has no will to do anything to help himself, is constantly and extremely angry. it's likely that when Dad goes home from whichever hospital, whenever, his becoming bed-ridden is eminent. Mom cannot care for Dad around the clock on her own then, so we would have to look for a care facility for Dad, or secure more help to assist Mom. Sis says the former is more likely, in which case we have to convince Dad, move him, sell the house, and resettle Mom.

All in all I think I'll be going back home sooner than the northern Fall/Winter I had expected.

The Wednesday I left, I put aside four hours so we could maybe sit and watch the high school baseball together, but Dad wanted to read the paper, Mom wouldn't stop housework, then cooked a yummy lunch. So I took pictures.

More pictures than Dad cared to be in. 

Mom came to see me off at the airport bus terminal near Yokohama Station. I don't know if she rang Dad, or Dad her, but she was on the phone before I even had a seat on the bus.

These are my parents. This is my life. Now. 

Oh, What Joy to Weave White!!

I couldn't manage to get a descent photo under the florescent light, but I swear it lit up the whole room! I can't remember if/when I've woven white/white, but the last undyled/undyled was the first SSVE in June 2008.

This is woven with the same draft, which is also the same as Mom's hangy thingy.

I've been thinking about Cally's towel for P2P2, and wondered if I want to weave a series of almost-bath-towels; thin and a bit smaller than the usual bath towels but quick to dry and handy for beach picnics or while traveling. And if I were to weave those, I already have the warp colors selected!

Good Luck / Questions

Unrelated to the software problem on Friday, Ben noticed the air compressor leaking. All we needed was a tiny rubber O-ring. We went to one hardware store, who didn't carry rings that small. On a whim Ben stopped by at a car parts shop; I don't go into this shop because the place smells like tire rubber. Anyhoo, Ben didn't come out for a long time, and when he did, he told me, "You got lucky!"

When Ben was in the rubber O-ring section, a clerk offered to help; the size required doesn't come on its own, but are included in some multi-packs, he said. So first they determined which multi-pack included it. Then, the clerk looked at three different places of their unsmall store because he knew there were already-opened packs and sure enough they found one. Said clerk proceeded to give Ben two O-rings. For free! Thank you, Supercheap Auto Stoke!

This good luck doesn't alleviate my anxiety about the software (?) problems. I bought the loom pretty much how I've got it set up; it is a retro-fit computer-controlled job with precarious software configuration and a black box and I don't have the wooden bits to revert it to a weaver-powered foot loom. So if, when, the software or black box really goes, it's going to turn into a big pile of nice wood. Sign.

My question is, do purpose-built computer-controlled looms have "unidentified" problems, such as stopping for no apparent reason and resurrecting without a clear/deliberate fix?

* * * * *

I've got a few ideas about a commission warp. Mom asked me why I'm playing around with things I can't sell, but I have to be in the right frame of mind to make something I can put my name to. And there is one thing I have been wondering for some months. If I sell my work, especially to folks outside New Zealand, how important is it that I use New Zealand wool?

I have done pretty well selling my cashmere pieces, even though the yarns are a little pricey, because they are soft, light-weight, and because weavers in Nelson aren't weaving with cashmere. You know I really enjoy working with my colorful cotton threads, and they are affordable. Neither of these are New Zealand products.

I like weaving with good quality New Zealand merino, but these present a few obstacles: very good quality merino can be hard to find; they usually come in what we call 110/2 or 2/17-ish* only; they can be very expensive; and the color range is limited, (which shouldn't be a problem if/when I learn to dye.) And, well, I'm no longer actively looking for merino-with-scales-on any more.

It is also possible to weave with less good merino or not-merino of rougher texture. Pat has many colors of New Zealand Halfbred, (similar to fine Corriedale,) from a now-closed Auckland shop. I still use their reds and purples and the texture/hand works alright when used in combination with merino/silk/possum yarns I used to use;  Jo happens to have a bunch of these she wants to off-load. So if I want to push the New-Zealand-ness of my products, I have a reliable, less expensive option that is not only good for me but for Pat and Jo as well.

Presently, though, I have been working hard to reduce my stash and if I were to be honest I don't want to spend money on less-than-the-best yarns. You might say that in Nelson, among some people who know my work, I am known to use only the best material.  But I don't have a whole lot of good New Zealand yarns any more so I need to make up my mind soon-ish.

What do you think? I you were buying handwoven work from a New Zealand (or any other country) weaver, do you prefer she used New Zealand (or her country's) yarns? Or if the work is nice, would you not worry about where the animals lived or the plants grew?

* * * * *

The dish towels are proceeding nicely. I love the combinations with not a lot of value/hue contrast, but with continued rain and florescent light right above me, they are harder, and at times more boring, to weave, so I go back and forth between pieces. I'll show them to you when I get the whole warp finished.

* * * * *

We had a spectacular lighting and thunder show tonight; at times when the thunder struck our house shook and the chimney rattled. Elsewhere in the district there have been some floods and road blocks, but for now they don't appear to be that dire, fingers crossed; we'll find out more tomorrow morning.

* * * * *

* Sorry, 17/2-ish.

Rainy Week

It's been a rainy week so I've had a guilt-free weaving week. Here is the hangy thingie, about 180cm long, so when hung properly, you would be looking at the middle to upper middle part of the yellow bits.

And the cushion covers, woven in two of the variations of the same threading from the more or less resurrected, (though I swear it doesn't look identical) draft.

I'm not sure why I did this project, except I wanted to weave, and weave leisurely, i.e. not to worry about every detail as I do when I work-weave, So I chose to weave off one of the very old ready-made (and in this case abandoned) warps and stash reduction. It was enjoyable, and technically, (technique-wise,) woven well to my great relief. The most pleasant aspect was the tracking that appeared at the start/end of each piece where I wove short lengths of plain weave, where echoes of the threading appeared. I'm going to make my next postcard to mom with the unexplainable explanation on tracking today.

I shall make casings at the top and the bottom of the hanging but the cushion covers will go as they are, because the amount of stuffing inside the four similarly-sized insides on Mom's shelves were, let's just say, variable.

Not having any clear picture of work-related project, (or was it motivation?,) I tied on yet another old warp, this time of dish towels. For one thing I need handwoven towels; for another this project clears both points set out above and frees a few paper bobbins I need for another project. But most of all, towels are so fun to weave.

My fav so far is the ecru-on-white for us - it's a tiny piece as there was little of the ecru yarn left, but I do so love the subtle way the design appears. That's going to be Ben's Coffee Machine cloth.

Odds and sods weft candidates for this project. After watching the ecru piece grow, I decided to dip into gray for a bigger piece for us as I know I'm going to love it. And though a white towel would would take a pounding in the Nakagawa household, perhaps I'll weave one of those, too. Other towels will go to Mom as she asked for 10 in... ummm... Jan/Feb 2010.

After I got started on the towel, my loom went on a strike. Again. For no clear reason, Shaft 8 stopped lifting, then the software went silly, and then Windows went crazy, and then nothing happened. The situation solved itself after an hour+ of unplugging/replugging/rebooting/changing/rechanging/pulling/tugging, etc., etc., etc. What worries me, as usual, is everything is set exactly as it was before it went kaput so I have no idea what went wrong in the first place nor what fixed it. Do these things happen to purpose-made computer-controlled looms?

I think I also need to clear the top of my desk. It's a good thing to do on a rainy Saturday.

My Weaving Practice

After handling/feeling/ur... examining tiny portions of a small sample to select the weft on the prospective matching cushion covers, we concluded the portion woven with weft=warp is just as soft as the softer wool or wool/silk+wool portions, so in the interest of stash reduction, that's where the dust is most likely to settle. If I go ahead with cushion covers. Especially since there are enough of both wool and wool/silk to go into a scarf, and the wool/silk would be particularly attractive.

Meanwhile, that gnawing question started to come up yesterday: "What am I doing, just playing around and not 'working' working?" I now have a good answer, "Mine is a weaving practice, not a business, so I'm practicing." I know it makes good sense, so I'm saying it out loud and often enough to convince me.

* * * * *

I don't keep all the drafts I weave, and especially not the intermediate/under-development ones. Some weavers/teachers would say this is so the wrong thing to do, but I get confused having tons of similar drafts and have began weaving the wrong ones that looked so similar I didn't noticed until I felt floats on the "wrong" side or the design didn't change direction. Plus, if I made them, I can always make them again, and I don't feel attached to them.

However, the task can be time-consuming, and I've been regretting not having kept this particular one, because it looks like a healthy pattern gamp possibility. Looking at it this morning, though, I realize it's not hard resurrecting the draft. Good. I can see this in 2/20 cottons, either in vibrant, saturated colors or in neighboring (on the color wheel) hues and values.

* * * * *

An Internet friend passed away suddenly; he's the second in a few short weeks. The first friend, we always knew we'd meet in person and talked it all the time. The second, Daniel, had a weaving school and garden in Flavigny-sur-Ozerain, the village where most of the film "Chocolat" was shot, and again, I had confidence, not just hopes, that one day I would actually go there and meet him.

Daniel's passing, in a strange twist, made me think of a work-friend from the 80's. Yukari was/is kind of serious and sensible and, well, not flippant. At that time a lot of volcanoes were blowing up not just in Japan but all over the Pacific rim, and the weather was just starting to change drastically in Japan and we had a few quakes to boost. While testing a system we were going to install in three weeks, she stopped her hands, turned around and remarked, with an uncharacteristically grave face, "These things make us reexamine our life and values, don't you think?" And without waiting for me to say anything, "I decided it's not always wise to plan ahead or be sensible, so I bought a car."

And very uncharacteristically, I was speechless.

Recalling this conversation made me have another look at how I spend my life. I want to be a better weaver and I want to weave, so practice or working, what I've been doing the last few days is the right thing and I'm on course. In the mid-to-long-term, statistically speaking, (i.e. looking at Mom and Dad,) I have a good 15-25 years of weaving left in this old body, after which it'll give away and if we haven't done so by then, we'd have to get rid of the big loom and move house. Assuming Ben's still around as well. And with that in mind, I'm on course but would like to work a bit faster, and perhaps harder on stash reduction. And travel when I can. And not overthink things. And have fun.

Which I am doing this week.