Sunday, February 7, 2016

Censored, Controlled, and Still Inappropriate Blather

As I grow older, I've come to see many sides to many truths, and have become less extreme in my convictions, to my slight dismay. I'm also fine with not having an opinion, or to remain undecided indefinitely. I take it this is part of what it means to grow up, although I can't help feeling a tad less genuine compared to, say, when I was 13 and knew everything.

On the other hand, I've learned a few things. I know these to be my truths because they've been put through persuasion, dissuasion, counterarguments, rebuttals, examination, reexamination and regurgitation and still hold them adamantly. But I'm willing to change my mind if need be.

Belatedly I'm picking up on how/when to modify my delivery, to choose the right time/audience, and even feel less compelled to present my case at times.

Still, I'm long-winded. And repetitive. I think while I speak/type; at times I'm not presenting but thinking and refining in my head, but out very loudly. I misread situations. And I can be relentless.

This in my life may be blamed on my unyielding know-it-all bitchiness, but it's not a good look at work; "damaging the brand" sorta stuff. It's the same old maneuvering of  本音 (honne, inward truth, which is usually true,) vs 建前 (tatemae, outward truth, which can be not true,) when I have virtually no 建前 (tatemae). And how do we reconcile throwing away the shackles of societal expectation, and being nice, and still be our "authentic selves"??

Ahhhhh.... [expletive]!!

6 comments:

  1. Yes, I see endless shades of grey. Be so much easier if there was only black or white...

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    1. I swear, Laura, Dad and I were born value-blind. Dad, in Japan, still did fairly OK because he was a man, a professor and a vice chancellor, in Japan, in his time. So doesn't work like that for moi.

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  2. I certainly feel less/no urge to convince anyone that I'm right about nearly anything these days. On the other hand I know when I'm right, regardless of what anyone else thinks. So that helps with being civil - but other than being civil I am what I am these days, like it or not!

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    1. It's that "being civil" part that I haven't got right, Taueret. Sometimes I don't see the line until I cross it.

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  3. Meg I have learnt that if you come from a place of love to express your honne then you are able to maintain your authentic self. If you are not able to express your inner truth lovingly then just recognising and acknowledging it is there but choosing not to act on it is also authentic as you are deciding to choosing a loving path which is sometimes the better option. I hope that makes sense. And don't worry we all stuff up sometimes. Xxx

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    1. "Choosing not to act on it", or knowing when (not) to is my problem, Alison. It's not that I see the line and cross it deliberately, but I don't see it. Sometimes I don't even see it until I've crossed and walked a few miles, turn around, and see a sea of stunned faces. Or worse, a departing friend's back.

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