Yesterday, a journo who writes for fancy magazines rang and complimented my weaving and tried to suss out if I would make an interesting story. I sounded unenthusiastic and dull so she asked me to recommend other Nelson artists instead. I was listening to my own voice as if it was someone else talking.
While driving back from the Frizzell exhibition, Rose asked me what my next big project is, and I didn't have an answer. She asked if I still felt passionate about weaving as I always did, and my answer as, "yes and no", and I made a joke about the amount of stash I have now allowing me to quit so easily.
It's almost October and my preposterously creative 2009 is heading towards the final stretch, and I'm not sure where I'm going, where I am, or where I've been all year.
When I was a child, I imagined getting older to mean being physically less agile, but intellectually superior and emotionally settled, the latter two more than making up for the first. I wasn't counting on having a mental illness (that sounds so serious!) and not being able to be productive. I've coped the best I could, and there's no use crying over unraveling threads; I try to be philosophical and stay positive.
And things aren't so bad. I'm finally sick and tired of the stash problem and am tackling it; for the first time I felt like checking out the 2009 courses via the UK Online Guild (but couldn't remember the url and had to ask Dot!); the client who wanted a baby blanket around February/March still wants it, and has put in a tentative order for the next, fourth commission; and I'm thinking about another warp of my gold, Rococo scarves, this time around 10 inches wide.
I'm ordering 1600 more heddles, some very fine merino, and though I struggle, I'm learning lots from Ali's mentoring. I really enjoy my figure/life drawing class; 6 terms ago when I signed up, I had hoped to learn to draw fine, accurate drawings, but my focus has changed and I'm into spontaneous, emotional gesture drawings. (Yeah, me, spontaneous!) And Textile Lunches have become a regular thing for all of us.
I'm still here, with all the yarns and equipment and books, and all the plans and To Do lists, and a husband with a day job who thinks my weaving is nice. And a dad who turned 82 today, who started to think this past January that I wasn't a lost cause after all.
So I go on, counting my blessings, and the recounting the warps over and over again as my thoughts drift from this project to that.
Thank you, friends.