Still Missing Dad

I last saw my Dad a year ago today. Mom was pushing me to get on the taxi, but I ran back to where I can see inside and waved at him, and as usual, seated in his not-so-comfy, as it turned out, chair, he raised his left hand strait up. It was raining so I couldn't see him well, but I saw him beyond the haze in ways one sees someone one knows know well.

He pops up in my brother's dream at regular intervals, his boy, his son, the baby. My sister visits his grave very often but sometimes she texts, "he wasn't home". Mom talks (back) to his picture in her bedroom from time to time. But me, I haven't found a place to go talk to him.

I put on his clothes often enough, I have a picture of him I took during our last family trip fortnight before I got married on the basement wall, I shout things he would have said in dismay when I do something stupid, but I haven't found a way to keep in touch with him, And it all goes back to my not having been empathetic to him during my last stay a year ago when he was still alive.
I don't know if he talked about me in the last 25 days in hospital. I haven't got the guts to as Mom. I don't think I was out of the picture completely, but I wasn't nice the last time he texted me, either. We were talking about climate change and he was raging at George W, and though I didn't disagree, I had enough of Dad's rages. I knew time may have been running out and we should have been talking about something else. So I ignored his text. And he resent the same text. And I ignored again. That was the last time I communicated with him; he never texted me again. I don't remember how many days before he passed this was, as I just deleted his texts.

In over 55 years of communications and non-communications, George W was our last dispute.

Serves me right. But not him. And that's what I regret. He should have been thanked. Profusely. By me. By all of us.


Meg said...

The funny thing is, for several years, almost a decade ?, every time I left Japan or he left New Zealand, I "knew" it would be the last time I would see him alive. Last year, I had the same "last time" feeling, and yet I "knew" he will pleasantly surprise me and I'll see him once more. So I could say he was slack in hot holding up his part of the bargain.

Cate Rose said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling such remorse. I'm sure your dad has forgiven you. The thing you need to do is forgive yourself. Life is about nothing if not big lessons. Forgiving yourself is one of them. xo

Meg said...

Ah, life.

StarByte said...

Oh Meg. He loved you. He loved you as only a father can love his first born daughter. He loved you deeply and intensely and you loved him. And he knew that. He knew you better than you give him credit for.

All that said - no parent wants their child to struggle. Light a candle. Say a prayer and let your guilt go. It's your job to love you in his place. Okay? Love you lots. ~Liz

Marei said...

I feel the same as the others; forgive yourself and let your guilt go. You can't change what has happened. Be kind to yourself. I don't think you need a "place" to go to BE with your Dad because he is with you always. In your heart and in your head. Just talk to him.