Just to clear the air and my mind, I misread Valerie's comment in my post about raising my game; I read "laughable" not "laudable", even though I went back and checked it half a dozen times before posting my rebuttal. I apologize to Valerie, and to everyone else who thought, "So what high horse is she on now?"
This is typical of what happens to me during a depressive episode, a bad patch, or whatever the correct term. On the one hand, I go deep inside my head though I don't notice it and can become paranoid and overwhelmed. One of the most daunting and tearful conversation at times like these is Ben asking me what I want for dinner because I can't get my head around such weighty considerations. On the other hand, I'm not bothered by the mundane, (the house goes to the pits!) and I do get a few Zen-like moments which help me see things clearly. I mean, meta-cloth? I'm too scatterbrained to come up with something like it in my usual state.
As well, I do so love to learn about how others think, see and work, and I'm not offended by your letting me know that you disagree with me, or that I'm way off kilter. OK, for a short time, I fuss and fume, but not at all offended in the long run. Disagreements and differences makes me try to see how you think, see and work, and force me to clarify my thoughts, and at the other end, I may completely change my way because yours is heaps better.
I make no secret of a life with depression, but as far as the problem goes, I'm at the lightest end of the spectrum, and I have a great doctor who is teaching me to spot the triggers and symptoms, and to learn coping mechanisms. And as I said, I benefit from it by being able to have uninterrupted thinking time. Joy!
So you have been warned; if I get far too conceptual, imagine me sitting on the smaller, blue couch in the living room, not fidgeting or moving at all for hours staring; Imay just be cooking up my next "serious" post for Unravelling.
On the other hand, if you all think I'm way off and too far gone, or just wrong, or if you know a better way, I'm setting you to task to put me right. Please. And thanks.
Hi Meg,
ReplyDeleteI have a theory, anyone who is "never depressed" has no imagination!
I think too much imagination is also why I don't sleep well. All the people I meet who can switch right off and sleep soundly don't have the wild and weird, uncontrollable, things running in background that I do. And it's a short step from not sleeping well to being depressed and then not sleeping well and here I am today having been through a couple of panic attacks this a.m. and dragged myself away from a bout of paranoia that crept up... my boyfriend helped my argue my way out of it! It does help to live with someone who spots the crisis before it happens!
You'll not find any of this on my blog, I don't blog on bad days. I don't talk to anyone if I can avoid it! So thanks for being brave and honest.
I've book marked your blog today. I've noted your warning, but you know,
people that don't have difficult days do tend to be rather boring...!
I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone, or blog, on my lazy days, Dorothy, but sometimes, I find it totally helpful to blog to clear my thoughts to myself.
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, I wish you a chipper rest-of-the-day.
A very brave post and I thank you. It was very helpful. I am glad that you have such a wonderful doctor. Depression is no picnic. I've been there once---many years ago--and I hope never again. But even in the midst of that depression you were struggling with ideas that were very important.
ReplyDeletePut another way, Peg, thinking was about the only thing I could do in my vegetative state. Very frustrating, especially when my To Do lists are growing and growing...
ReplyDelete