Saturday, August 7, 2010

Ummm...

I'm feeling a bit confused these days, a bit unfocused, a bit frazzled.

I'm reading about Japanese designs, and the place of craft in that culture. (Two different books.)

I got out nine books from Ben's work library (a polytechnic) on Friday, about shibori, surface designs and pattern making. And all I can do is sit and gaze at the pictures. What's different from all the other times, you ask? Well, nothing. It's just that the old eyeballs feel even more detached from my brains than ever.

I'm doodling, photoshopping and cutting up papers and sticking them on notebooks, and trying to make them look like pebbles. I ran out of glue sticks and nobody's carrying my favorite brand any more; that sort of thing upsets me a little.

I'm thinking about Etsy and dyeing wool with grown-up dyes. Thinking is all I do about these two.

I'm thinking about how urgently I need to tidy my hard drive, particularly my photos, and how I need an updated spreadsheet of what's at which gallery.

I'm thinking I really need to learn Maori and things Maori, especially pertaining to textiles and weaving techniques, to keep living in this country. But I would really like to take up Italian again in the first place, and French, too.

I've been bottling up some issues, and commending myself on how I've gotten used to the Kiwi "suck it up and move on" ways because sometimes this is better than other ways.

I'm imagining how much better I'd feel and how much more productive my life would be if I can find an exhibition to work towards, whilst not thinking about the two commissions I received well over a year ago, both of them...

I'm doing something most days, but I can't seem to be productive.

And I'm still calling myself a weaver. Cheat! I haven't touched a loom in... 11 days.

4 comments:

  1. Transition is such a tough time...

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  2. Hi, Carol. My whole life feels like transition, sometimes. I was told I have "destination addiction".

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  3. Meg, I think I have been in transition for almost 7 years now. 'Destination addiction' sounds right. I keep reading inspirational books and books about creativity and reading blogs that aspire to renew us and make us more of what is good inside us. But I'm still me -- unsteady, unsure and psychically shaky. I understand where you are. It's where I live. How can I be 54 and not have a clue who I am, where I'm going, how to be free and creative? Maybe that's why I felt (and continue to feel) such a quick and deep bond with you. If/when you find answers or destinations please share. I would love to hear all about it.

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  4. Yeah, we need to "arrive", Sunny! Some day, some where! I'm not sure what it means to live in the "now", and don't know if I ever knew, or if I sometimes do it and don't realize it.

    I feel rushed all the time, almost harassed, but I have THE most leisurely life of anyone. Many people may have more $ than we do, but heck, I have a husband with a full time job who comes home at night and doesn't mind making dinner if I'm still on the loom, pasting stuff on the sketchbook.

    I also feel keeping myself busy is going to somehow turn out to mean being productive, but that hasn't worked yet.

    I feel messed up, at 52, and feel cheated, because if we're messed up, aren't we supposed to at least have fun with it?

    "Growing up" was supposed to be hard, and after puberty life was supposed to be easy. I had a good life in my late 20's, but life doesn't seem to get any easier; we don't seem to get any better at this thing called "living", do we, Sunny?

    I'm not unhappy, but I can't ever get away from this dreadful feeling that I'm doing it all wrong.

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