For most of my life, I've been an emotional person, and I aspired to have a more even temperament since I was 10 years old. This is one of reasons I love living with Ben, because nothing much bothers him. I don't know if it's depression or medication or just the end of a long, long winter, but I haven't been feeling strong feelings for what feels like forever. I never imagined I'd admit to this, but this week I've missed my old, easily-excitable, enthusiastic self.
Medication is supposed to take the edge off, meaning it's supposed to eliminate the extreme highs and lows, and I'm told it requires about a month to start working properly; I'm told "the ability to feel happy" returns after that. If only you knew how foreign that sounds to me.
I've also been troubled by indecision, from when to take a road trip I proposed, to when and where to meet a friend for coffee, to just this morning, what to have for breakfast. Again, I used to be told by parents and nuns I needed to control my impulses and make studied decisions. The pendulum has swung all the way to the other side.
So you don't misunderstand, I'm not feeling particularly sad or depressed, either; just not feeling much, other than powerless, mojo-less, chutzpah-less.
And that's been this Sunday morning.